All posts by memeka19

Learning about Fire

Slowly I’m building a stack of small pieces of wood. A mini-tipi is what I’m after, with a bit of cheating in the middle: a small block of firelighter.

Even with the cheating, I don’t feel comfortable at all that this little tipi is the start of a warm fire in our stove. The match lights up the firelighter, and after a while the tipi starts to burn as well. So far so good.. Continue reading Learning about Fire

A new love affair

I found a new love!

Unexpected, but true.

You see, it often feels there are two ‘me’s. There is the me that is thinking, contemplating, reviewing. And there is the me that just is.

Feelings happen, and these two me’s have a very different way of handling them.

Thinking me uses the feelings as cues for fear, worry, action. The being me knows to stay with the feeling, and meaning might be a result. And action might or might not be needed.

I’ve known for a while that the ‘being me’ is much closer to my core, my soul.

So I have decided it’s time to get out of my way. It is time to love that me completely, setting it center stage.

And it made me burst into this song, out loud, while walking in the forest:

“Only want to be the wind that lifts you high above the ground
Living only to unleash the sacred powers that we’ve found
Only want to breathe your essence, be your comfort, fill with laughter
Every moment that we live from this day on, forever after

I’ll steal your heart and set it free
So free, I’m sure it will astound you
Without my love you’ll never be
In a way, I’ll always find you”

What a beautiful thought, to be the one to set myself free 🙂

And I can just do that.

It reminds me of the Self-marriage, that Dominique Youkhehpaz facilitates. A beautiful ritual to dedicate your life to loving yourself. Just imagine putting as much attention and love towards the relationship with yourself, as you do in the relationship with your significant other.

There is room for me to grow here, this new love is so ready to start blossoming.

A rumble on the hill

This is a rocky road. My circumstances are asking me to make big shifts. Shifts on the inside, and quite possibly shifts on the outside, making difficult decisions.

When I was riding my bike today, it hit me: I want to feel free again!

I find it really hard, to let go of relationships. I will work at them and myself to make them work. My relationships with my company, and the two friends I started this company with, are very dear to me. But in my struggle to get well again, and to get back to work, apparently, I do not feel free anymore.

So something needs to change.

And pondering this while I was walking in my beloved forest, I felt my attention dropping down in my body. Connecting more deeply to myself. Inviting my  Goddess to join me.

I sat down to meditate on the top of a small hill, the sun shining through. Becoming more and more grounded. While I was widening my attention to hear everything there was to hear, I also saw in my mind’s eye, a symbol that came to me before. It feels like a symbol that deeply connects me to Her. And while I was meditating, that symbol grew and encompassed all of me. And right at that moment, the wind grew really strong and I shivered.

And I realised: this is what it is to be a wild woman, true to my nature.. To be fully present and feel the cold, the heat, the fight and the strength of all emotions. To allow myself to live all of this fully..

And the next moment, I was suddenly surrounded by four big black dogs, Great Danes I think. Sitting down, they were as tall as I was. They were being walked by their owners, and must have been curious. They had ran up the hill, and were instantly jumping on me and pushing me.

And I was  very calm and firm, telling them twice ‘No, this is not okay’. And then they ran off again.

I found myself observing this with curiosity. Because I felt calm throughout all of it. Even though they were challenging my boundaries, crossing them, there wasn’t a moment that I feared they would break them, or would be able to hurt me. There wasn’t even a moment I thought it would go on for too long.

It was an amazing experience of being present in myself. Not distracted by fear. No ideas as to what should or shouldn’t happen or should have happened. And the calmness inside me remained all the way through.

Now this is useful new ground! This kind of presence brings unshakable being.

Thank you Goddess, for showing me the way.

And I want more of that, so I’ll continue my practice 🙂

I don’t know what will happen in my relationships, but I know now that I have this ability to be calm and present in times of uproar. That will give me a new perspective all by itself.

My descent into the Underworld

I spend January on a different kind of field trip. I joined the 21 day online Sadhana, that Chameli Ardagh was guiding, following Inanna’s journey into the Underworld. And what a ride that was! Continue reading My descent into the Underworld

The girl and the Lioness

Once upon a time, there was a girl.

She was young, smart and curious, and she was always working out how the world around her worked.

When are people nice?

How do you get people to help you? 

Why are they fighting? 

What do people do to fix things?

Where does my mom store the candy now?

And the more she learned, the more she saw and thought she understood.  Continue reading The girl and the Lioness

Herding cats

A good friend told me a lifetime ago:

“You think too much”.

At the time, I felt it was an annoying thing to tell me, as it was just the way I was. Like saying I shouldn’t have two legs. We are not in touch anymore, but boy, was she right. (Brenda, if you ever read this, it was you and thank you!) Continue reading Herding cats