This is a rocky road. My circumstances are asking me to make big shifts. Shifts on the inside, and quite possibly shifts on the outside, making difficult decisions.
When I was riding my bike today, it hit me: I want to feel free again!
I find it really hard, to let go of relationships. I will work at them and myself to make them work. My relationships with my company, and the two friends I started this company with, are very dear to me. But in my struggle to get well again, and to get back to work, apparently, I do not feel free anymore.
So something needs to change.
And pondering this while I was walking in my beloved forest, I felt my attention dropping down in my body. Connecting more deeply to myself. Inviting my Goddess to join me.
I sat down to meditate on the top of a small hill, the sun shining through. Becoming more and more grounded. While I was widening my attention to hear everything there was to hear, I also saw in my mind’s eye, a symbol that came to me before. It feels like a symbol that deeply connects me to Her. And while I was meditating, that symbol grew and encompassed all of me. And right at that moment, the wind grew really strong and I shivered.
And I realised: this is what it is to be a wild woman, true to my nature.. To be fully present and feel the cold, the heat, the fight and the strength of all emotions. To allow myself to live all of this fully..
And the next moment, I was suddenly surrounded by four big black dogs, Great Danes I think. Sitting down, they were as tall as I was. They were being walked by their owners, and must have been curious. They had ran up the hill, and were instantly jumping on me and pushing me.
And I was very calm and firm, telling them twice ‘No, this is not okay’. And then they ran off again.
I found myself observing this with curiosity. Because I felt calm throughout all of it. Even though they were challenging my boundaries, crossing them, there wasn’t a moment that I feared they would break them, or would be able to hurt me. There wasn’t even a moment I thought it would go on for too long.
It was an amazing experience of being present in myself. Not distracted by fear. No ideas as to what should or shouldn’t happen or should have happened. And the calmness inside me remained all the way through.
Now this is useful new ground! This kind of presence brings unshakable being.
Thank you Goddess, for showing me the way.
And I want more of that, so I’ll continue my practice 🙂
I don’t know what will happen in my relationships, but I know now that I have this ability to be calm and present in times of uproar. That will give me a new perspective all by itself.